![]() "People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."Ĥ5. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."Ĥ4. "Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face."Ĥ3. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."Ĥ2. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"ģ1. "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."ģ0. "I drink to make other people more interesting."Ģ9. ![]() "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."Ģ7. "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."Ģ6. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."Ģ5. Looking for more inspiration? Be sure to check out these funny graduation quotes and inspirational quotes about life as well. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk to serve as a little reminder that life's not that serious - and we’re all much better off laughing so we don't cry! With quotes from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller, here are the best laugh-out-loud quotes to enjoy anytime you need a laugh. We’ve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever. Telling corny jokes or watching feel-good comedies is a sure-fire way to add levity to your day, but if you need a quick fix, then we've got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses. Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine - plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.Famous funny guy Charlie Chaplin once said, "A day without laughter is a day wasted," and we couldn't agree more. I drink to make other people more interesting. We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know? -Ernest Hemingway “īe excellent and party on dudes. Life is hard it’s harder if you’re stupid. I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! -Sean Morey “ You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. ![]() You start out dead and get that out of the way. In my next life I want to live my life backwards. The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity. Unknown “ĭon’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. Groucho Marx “Īn intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. You can’t always control who walks into your life but, you CAN control which window you throw them out of… -Unknown “ ![]() Anonymous “īefore you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes. Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath. We go through life thinking we’re invincible, but the truth is we’re totally vincible. If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. You tried your best and you failed miserably. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Life is an onion and one cries while peeling it. Kathrine Hepburn “įighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. From the movie ED tv “īuild a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal.
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